Lunar Lunacy: does the moon drive people crazy?
Lunar Lunacy. Does the moon drive people crazy? You bet your sweet coccyx it does.
Lunar Lunacy is a thing, but how does the moon affect all your bodily fluids? Dr. Ross Shields answers this and other questions not answered in the American Psychiatric Journal of Medicine.
Meet Phillip Mansario:
First patient: Phillip Mansario from San Diego. The moon really messed with him. As a Maritime Officer in Shipping, Mr. Mansario faces constant exposure to the moon. Despite not having a vagina, Dr. Ross suspects Premenstrual Syndrome. After debunking that, he considers the magnitude of the effects of a full moon on the patient’s bodily fluids. Symptoms: runs faster, jump higher, a heightened sense of smell, and improved sight, non-verbal communication with animals and some mild levitation. Some growling and sniffing and what have you. Nothing sexual.
Mr. Mansario’s cats seem to feel the effects of Lunar Lunacy. They act like a-holes when the moon is full.
Dr. Ross recommends a full-body fluid transfusion. Drain everything, then step into the hyperbaric chamber filled with CO2 and gasoline. Simple.
Second patient: Frank Zalotkis.
This accountant works for the LDS Church. He looks for loopholes so that the Church can keep all the money they can (praise Jesus). He habitually steals things during a full moon–predominantly chocolate pudding and/or Trojans-brand condoms (3 pack, if available). Although the stealing has helped his marriage, he needs help with this affliction.
Dr. Ross and Nurse Sonja suggest administering the typical protocol: study patient for the night, intense therapy, drain fluids before 7:35 pm on the evening of a full moon, hold the fluids overnight, then return them to the patient the next morning. Also suggested: going to a convention. That might help. Also, reporting this to the H and R department is probably a good idea.
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